Witnessing a child being emotionally abused by a caregiver is not only hard to watch, but very hard to not step in to protect the child. Let’s be honest here: children are often the casualty of an adult's displaced anger or a need to be validated. Children having a voice (and being heard) is still relatively new for a lot of cultures. This article is dedicated to all the little humans that cannot find the words to express the depth of their emotions about a complex world that is shaping them. This is not to disregard adults in need of being heard, but to invite them, including you, the reader, to connect with your inner child.
Remember how vulnerable you were as a child? How was your level of dependency on your elders for guidance? What about when you look back and think about how helpful it would have been to have a trusted adult validate your experience instead of dismissing it? Most of us know that children are the most vulnerable people in homes, in our schools and in this very complicated society we have all contributed to. In my professional experience, I’ve been granted a great deal of knowledge concerning the school setting. It’s been a very rewarding experience to have worked with children and young adults from all over the world. Because of my personal and professional experiences, I have seen a concerning pattern that crosses not only race, but ethnicity, religion, class, and sexual orientation. That pattern that I speak of is the lack of emotional intelligence toward young people.
So what is emotional intelligence, you ask? Well, Emotional intelligence (EI) refers to the ability to understand, manage, and express one's own emotions, as well as recognize and respond appropriately to the emotions of others, essentially encompassing self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, motivation, and social skills. It's often considered a key factor in building strong relationships and navigating social situations effectively. It’s what connects humans (when EI is high) and what disconnects us (when EI is low). Coined by a Rutgers psychologist Daniel Goleman, who at the time, wanted to establish the importance of emotional intelligence in business leadership. Goleman's Emotional Intelligence Theory is considered to be a groundbreaking perspective on human intelligence within the mental health field. He suggests that emotional intelligence (EI) can be more important than traditional IQ. The theory highlights five key domains: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. Similar domains are taught to Chicago Public School (CPS) students under the framework of socioemotional learning standards. My work with CPS and a nonprofit agency trained me on EI. As a fellow mental health professional and a human who is an empath, I absolutely love how EI has reminded me that it is an invaluable life skill that benefits every relationship we hold dear to us.
Let’s review two examples I see a lot of humans struggling to manage: self awareness and self-regulation.
- Self Awareness is the ability to understand one’s self and how we impact other Mastering self is a life long journey that benefits everyone we come in contact with. It is the vast difference between knowing what hinders you from being your best self and blaming others for what you say or do.
- Self-regulation is the ability to manage & express one's own emotions.
When we think of our world today, in person and how it is filtered on our devices, we see an unlimited supply of examples of people unhinged due to the lack of self regulation. Rarely do we see an equitable response to those choosing to “crash out.” This is problematic for children who are accessing these mixed messages from adults of authority. This often causes children to “hide” who they really are to practice “wearing a mask.” What if adults made intentional time to learn about their child’s emotional intelligence? Show compassion when their child’s EI levels are at a concerning low? Make space for the children who have a genius level of EI? What if you learned about your own EI level? I promise you this: it would “clear the fog” some of us experience in relationships that impacts us most.
When it comes to my profession, my strength is rooted in my ability to “read” facial expressions, listen for inflections in the voice and body language to name a few. Connecting to the client’s inner world/perception of their external world has helped me to build a connection that has garnered me a level of trust with my clients of all backgrounds. Compared to some colleagues and relatives, this is how I have thrived in all my connections; including with children (especially my own!). We all benefit from more kindness and understanding. Why not start with connecting with your own needs by identifying the areas of yourself that need to be addressed in order to be cultivated to reach its maturity level? This will aid in your approach to others and improve your connection; a human need that’s worth improving.
For more support to learn and/or strengthen you and loved one’s relationships, dive into some of these gems I gathered for you.
