Since my dad died about a year and a half ago, I haven’t visited his grave, I skip past old family photos when my phone reminds me of what happened this day X years ago, and I haven’t spoken about him much with your 7-year-old son. Avoidance has been my way to grieve. But now that my mom has finished grieving the loss of her husband of 50 years and has moved on to find a partner she trusts and is truly happy with, my avoidant behavior is no longer an effective strategy. My mom tells me to just be myself when I first meet her “new friend,” but my other question now is how do I talk with our son about his grandma’s new partner?
For guidance (for myself and hopefully others who are in similar situations), I reached out to Dr. Natalia Kaczmarek, a clinical psychologist who is the founder and owner of Northbrook-based Indigo Therapy Group. Here is part of our conversation:
Q: How confusing can it be for a child to hear that their grandparent has a boyfriend or girlfriend when all they've known is seeing their grandparents together?
Dr. Kaczmarek: I think confusion would be dependent on timing of the disclosure and how they understand love/relationships. It may be helpful to provide some education or a metaphorical story around the importance of seeking out joy, sharing as much love as you can, and that we can never replace special people in our lives, rather, grow in different directions with different people. For younger children, it may also be helpful to explain the expectations around how to relate with the girlfriend or boyfriend. Again, in the spirit of concreteness, they may need to know that calling them by their first name is okay, that relationships take time to grow and there may be some awkward moments, and that finally, this person may be similar to getting to know a "fun aunt" or "cool babysitter".
Q: How do you initiate a conversation with your child about their grandparent having a new "friend"? Are there preferred ways of how to refer to their grandparent's new partner?
Dr. Kaczmarek: In my experience, kids don't really know what boyfriend or girlfriend fully entails. Sometimes, it's more important to explain who the person is and what the label means. For example, "Grandma has a new boyfriend named Jeff. Jeff and grandma have a lot of things in common that they do together, like... After getting to know each other, they realized they made each other really happy and something special." It may also be helpful to insert some direction around your/the family's reaction is and build in space for the child to ask questions/bring up concerns. For example, "We are really happy for grandma and Jeff because they make every day a bit more fun, and we hope you like Jeff too. If it ever feels a little weird, or, if Jeff makes you miss grandpa, you can always let me know."
Q: Should these first few meetings between your child and their grandparent's new partner typically be short, informal, and in a neutral place? In other words, not at your home for the holidays?
Dr. Kaczmarek: I recommend something fun and something that has a natural built-in distraction or common activity, like the zoo! Holidays and dinners can feel high pressure, and let's be honest, most kids don't want to sit for extended amounts of time and just talk. Doing something with a common point of interest, even a game or decorating cookies, allows a natural connection to happen that can feel comforting and natural. Kids are intuitive and they will pick up on the feelings of the adults. The more comfortable the adults are with one another, the more grounding it will also be for the kids.
Q: What do you tell your child if they ask if their grandparent's friend is going to be their new grandma or grandpa?
Dr. Kaczmarek: Well, we are not psychics and it's impossible to answer this question with certainty! But your child probably isn't asking because they need to know the definite answer. If your child is asking about this, they are probably curious or maybe even anxious about something else - for example, will everyone just "forget" the deceased family member? / will there be new traditions? / what if you child doesn't like the new friend? / etc.? If your child is asking this, it's important to be honest with your uncertainty, and to lean into the question with some curiosity. Providing space for your child to express their concerns and validate those things (not necessarily providing solutions), can be very healing in their journey through adjustment and loss.
Q: Are there signs parents should look for when trying to determine if their child needs to see a therapist about their grandparent dying?
Dr. Kaczmarek: Every kid processes so differently that it's difficult to give a "one size fits all" recommendation. However, if you see any marked changes that are particularly disruptive to their functioning, like frequent emotional distress, externalizing behavior, persistent worries/ruminations about safety/your life, school issues/avoidance, nightmares, or potty issues, it may be helpful to get in with a therapist. It's also important to know that some level of distress is normal and should be anticipated. Other red flags would be if the changes are happening for an extended period of time and if things they used to enjoy don't seem to have the same positive impact. For sensitive children and families that have the privilege of planning, getting started with a therapist pre-emptively may be helpful. Again, it may take quite a while for a therapist to build a connection, reinforce a sense of emotional safety in the room, and teach a variety of emotional concepts to even begin grief work. Starting that work sooner than later would be helpful - and worst comes to worst, your child doesn't need as many sessions as you anticipated!
