Sleep is a tender subject for me. I’m neither a morning person nor a night owl. I hated sleepovers as a kid because contrary to the name, not much sleep happened. And then I became a mother. Obviously, sleep was elusive those first few years, but it really took a toll on me. My diagnosis of postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety had a lot to do with the difficulty I had parenting through the night and desperately trying to get my new baby to sleep.
Nowadays, and two more kids later, sleep happens around here in a pretty drama- free way. And I think it’s all because of something that organically took shape in our nighttime routine.
But before I tell you what I do and how I do it, I think it’s important you get a clear picture of my overall approach to nighttime sleep. This is my foundation and arguably the most important piece:
- I prioritize relational safety: Falling asleep on our own puts us in an extremely vulnerable place. We’ve all been there - stressed, anxious, afraid. And when a person feels that way, they enter a stress response. That’s the fight-or-flight response - and it’s the last thing we want at bedtime. So, we relate to our children in a way that regulates their nervous system. Obviously, this is something we’d do at all parts of the day, but it’s important to have a strong focus at this precious time of the evening.
- I’m fully present: Put the phone down and get laser focused on your kiddo(s). You might have work to do after bedtime; you might be dying to get some space alone, it will happen. Do what you need to do to protect your presence during the nighttime routine.
- I’m clear on where I’m flexible: Our routine is predictable, but it isn’t rigid. Sometimes I read 2 books, sometimes I read 4. Sometimes my kids fall asleep in their bed, sometimes they fall asleep in mine. These are the areas where I’m flexible. Consider the areas where you’re flexible. They don’t have to be the same as mine, but if you’re an absolute stickler on something, revisit it. Do you need to be a stickler? If so, fine! If not, ok!
Commitment to this foundation of safety, presence, and flexibility could be true for 100 parents and yet the details of the evening would play out in 100 different ways. That’s the point! The routine is not the magic, you are.
Once that foundation is in place, the rest is just practical details.
I’m going to talk about two aspects of the nighttime routine that I believe are the most critical: What you do right before lights out and what you do after lights out. That’s really what this comes down to. Take a bath. Don’t take a bath. Have a super calm evening. Have a WWE wrestling match. Honestly, I don’t think too much of it matters.
(Disclaimer: It does matter if you think it matters. If you’ve noticed your child has a better night without tv after dinner, then don’t do tv after dinner. If you notice that some rough and tumble play sends your child off to sleep more easily, then do the rough play.)
Before Lights Out:
For a lot of families, reading books is what happens right before lights out. Please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t threaten to take books away or use “no books tonight” as a consequence for something that happened earlier in the evening. You wouldn’t withhold dinner because you “ran out of time.” Don’t withhold the important moment of connection and calm that reading together brings. When you are in these precious last moments of awake time, all is forgiven. We aren’t implementing consequences or bringing up things your child did wrong - find another time.
Your child keeps asking for another book? This is where you reference your flexibility. If you can read another book, read it. If you can’t, don’t. What happens when your child gets upset? This is where you are leaning on your relational safety and presence.
After Lights Out
Once you’re past books and everyone is regulated (again), it’s light out! This is the moment where stress seems to spike again - for kids and parents. You have two options: Leave the room but remain available or don’t leave the room and help your child fall asleep. It’s up to you. If you aren’t sure which approach to take, try one for a week and see how it goes. To help you decide, let’s take a look at each:
- Leave the room: Many parents are a fan of this one. I can hear some of you saying, “Yes! Netflix here I come!” I can also hear you asking, “But HOW!?” The answer: With a message to your child that you are available if they need you. It sounds counterintuitive. We don’t want our kids jumping out of bed to come find us all evening. But when we send a message that says, “I’m leaving you here and you have to stay without me and I’m not available to you” guess what, we’re telling our children they aren’t safe. Children are hardwired to survive. So, a message that says, “You’re on your own” is going to lead children to absolutely seek you out. So instead, you send a message of safety that sounds something like, “Goodnight! I’m here if you need me” or “I’m just in the other room and I’ll pop back to check on you” or even asking, “Is there anything you need before I kiss you goodnight?” Give it an honest try. If this wasn’t a message you were previously sending, it might not be magic. They may actually come find you to see if you really are available like you said you are. Stay true to your word. Get them what they need, take them back to bed, and again communicate that they aren’t alone.
- Fall asleep together: This is what I do and I’m not mad about it. Probably because both of my sons have a pretty quick drop off to sleep. And I think I know why. Something a little silly became part of our bedtime routine recently. My youngest son is really into Mario and so after books and lights out he asks me to tell him a story as we lay there in the dark. The story is always about Mario and the Mushroom Kingdom. I’m pretty good at this kind of improv, but the most important aspects of these stories are that they are slow and full of rich imagery. When their minds focus on the slow, vivid images in the story, their nervous systems settle into calm. They can fall asleep in complete safety - so they do, often before I even finish.
I know how hard the bedtime routine can be. I’ve lived through the tears (mine and theirs), the late nights, and the exhaustion. Looking back, the hardest stretches were always when I’d lost sight of safety, presence, and flexibility. Once I leaned into those, it changed. Bedtime went from being a dreaded battle to one of the sweetest parts of my day. And that’s what I want for you too - not a “perfect routine,” but a foundation that makes your child feel safe, seen, and soothed. That’s what makes sleep possible.
If you commit to it, I hand-on-my-heart-promise it will get so much better.
